I was told that I had the Best Life

The following was submitted by Beverly via email. It is shared here with permission.

I was born and raised on both Principia Campuses, Upper School and College, in the late 1940’s.  We lived in a tiny Faculty House, very isolated, on the Prin College Campus where my Dad (WWII Veteran) was a Professor of Political Science.  Both my parents were also raised in C.S. Dysfunctional Families and my Dad’s mom was a very weird, 300 Lbs. overweight C.S. Practitioner.

When I was 9 yrs. old we moved to the Prin Upper School Campus where my Mom taught Pre-School.  Again, very isolated community….you had to be a C.S. to live in our Neighborhood behind the School.

I remember that whenever any of us kids (5) got sick – we were told that we really weren’t sick and often felt guilty just for getting sick.  We got no Medical or Doctor attention (if my folks had gone to the medical, they probably would have lost their jobs at Prin.)  Also, since they didn’t have much money, my parents hardly ever called C.S. Practitioners – we little kids just had to “tough it out” on our own!  We all remember lying in bed with Fevers, etc. and getting no relief or help at all.  They just put on a Record of C.S. Hymns.

When my oldest sister was 10 she contracted Polio, but my folks just thought she had a headache and put her to bed.  They may have called some dinky little practitioner in Elsah for a while…..but nothing was really done for her and she had to endure a lot of pain, screaming at night, on her own.  When she finally got out of bed, one of her legs was withered and she has hobbled with a disfigured leg ever since.  No wheelchair or aides for her!  Now, her leg has deteriorated so much that she really can’t walk at all.

I suffered from periods of Deep Depression when I attended Prin College, but had no idea why.  Then I got my first Flashback and broke down crying, saying “I don’t think I love Mom and Dad any more.”  I had no idea why I was saying that.
Fast forward to my late 40’s.  Again I was very Depressed, and thought maybe it’s because I had left C.S. years ago and maybe I should start studying it again.  As I did…..thru a series of “Higher Power” orchestrated events….it was finally revealed to me that I had been sexually abused by my Dad when I was about 4 or 5 – in my bed at night.  My Mom knew about it, but did nothing, as she needed to stay married to Dad and they needed the money from Prin.

I found Co-Dependents Anonymous and a Fabulous Sponsor which saved my Life!  I’ve been a 12-Stepper every since!  My problem is I still find it difficult to completely leave C.S. and get hooked back into it.  I have done some Therapy, but no Therapist really understands how C.S. works and what it does to you…especially a child!

I’m so grateful to have found this website and could really use the support that is offered here.  

Anyway, that’s basically my story and I still have a hard time believing that I was raised and abused in a Cult – when all the time I was told that I had the Best Life because I was being raised in C.S. and going to Principia!

3 Comments

  1. Chris

    Beverly: One sentence you said in your posting really resonated with me all the way…’…no Therapist really understands how C.S. works and what it does to you…especially a child!” I can relate to that so well. Besides growing up with odd guidance from a strange/bizarre mother, when I really wanted to completely free myself of this religion, and think for myself…as an adult…I found I was mentally yoked to it, and was dealing with daily depression and upset…and felt I had no one to turn to. We were taught in C.S. that psychologists/psychiatrists were not only harmful, they were dangerous!

    This was during a time when there was no Internet, no way of communicating with others who had had the same experience. I knew in my reasoning mind that there HAD to be other people who were going through the same thing as I was, but how to find them. I really felt I was alone in the desert.

    But there are many like us. It is really sad when you grow up in such confusion as a child. Reading of your growing up experiences, they would seem cult-like to an outsider.

    But, thankfully, we do have the Internet, and an incredible website like this, which lets people such as ourselves know that we are not alone. Stay with this website. It can only help you.

    • I was brought up in cs…my loving father wanted me to learn about CS and I went to Sunday school..and CS summer camp. I was told things in class that were confusing for a child of 5 years old…I thought the cs adults were fine people but the rest of the world’s people who were not cs folks were different and not so kind loving…..gradual feelings of deep confusion took hold of my mind.. My Father and mother were fine people but I was in the grips of an inability to think straight and control my mind as a result of my Sunday school training. life is spirit and matter doesn’t exist.that belief caused me a mental disorder to figure out and just function. None CS people thought we were weird rd and asked me strange questions about if I had any sanity left by not going to doctors…Often my confusion and inability to stop thinking about HEALING AND LIVING FOR GOD kept me in a state of grief and guilt..God loves me but I am hurt and wounded inside despite his caring protection…
      Love Love Love… Cs people I saw were loving and caring but the the rest of the world was often harsh and cruel..not so kind or caring..I was not prepared to deal with reality in the every day world..By the time I entered Junior high I left CS..It BROKE MY HEART TO SAY GOODBYE BUT i COULDN’T HANDLE THE DUALITY..I had to give up my crutch and stand on my own two feet with out the cs books and worship. The world came out me with all it’s indifference to my feeling and I was as weak as a lamb.. I had to be my own teacher and guide..but was woefully unprepared.
      The teaching of Cs may work for some folks and work well…but it is flawed and lacks balance and wisdom..iT PUTS TOO MUCH strain on the brain…too much cerebral activity over matters that need no thought..CS got me into an emotional frenzy that lead to an up down roller coaster ride of mixed feeling…good and evil thoughts and worry…no way out in sight except to fix it by reading Science and Health.. The book is very confusing, hard to read and impossible to make sense of it.. Reading that book can make one go loonie in no time if you have a half rational mind.. It shouldn’t be put in the hands of any one till they find for themselves sometime in life when they are mature enough to think for themselves… My instruction in CS was not complete it was a half baked job that left me unable to to rely upon my own wits and act wisely.. I began to walk a dangerous road….due to my own bad instincts and no guidance out there I found to be helpful. CS made me believe that I was Gods perfect child…who protects and leads me in every step. That ideal can work for some people but for many it could cripple them in life….Until they have enough of life’s real lessons to find their own way.
      .Being a CS student is a full time job…you have to read the lessons every day and after a while what’s the point…words words words..and more words to fill your head up with.. t may be valuable for many people..but for many others we need to move on and let life happen to us and new ways.. For example..I got the feeling CS adults were very intelligent and advanced but that was a prejudice on my part…that kept me judgemental as I got older..Judgement leads to pain and suffering…no acceptance . I had trouble relating to other none cs children in school…my heart ached when I was away from CS sunday school classmates and sweet refuge of the church..I guess I never was wise enough to figure out how to balance things in my own mind at that time..Matter is not real…that’s what we were taught..It hit me like a ton of bricks that I couldn’t reconcile the two forms of thought and realities that were everyday facts..My love for CS AND the real everyday.. I hit a depression perhaps at six or seven years old..I was living in an altered mental universe of strange distortion…

  2. Chrystal C.

    Dear Beverly,

    I am so glad you have found this site. I am so sorry you have had to endure so much. My heart breaks for you and also for your sister, and your other 3 siblings. Wow. Your dad belongs in jail for what he did to you. It disturbs me so greatly that Principia would have that kind of hold on a mom who couldn’t leave her husband, for fear of not having money.

    So many women and children are abused by men who have power over them. It completely breaks my heart. I am so sorry. Your sister never deserved that kind of “treatment.” (ugh. I hate that word because of the Christian Science connotations.)

    And you didn’t either. It hurts like a hell no one can fathom for us to hate our own parents. I am so sorry.

    Again, I am so glad you have found this website and I hope you feel a bit less alone now, finding the rest of us here too. Our hearts are broken with yours. We understand the unique pain and torment of growing up in the cult that taught us from the get go: “It’s not a cult.”

    Big hugs,
    Chrystal

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