My CS-Mother’s Gaslighting Taught Me How to Masturbate

The following was submitted anonymously via email.

I was 19 with no real knowledge of my body and had barely touched my own genitals if only to scratch a literal itch. For months at college I was having awful menstrual cycles involving waves of cramps paired with nausea and vomiting, with little relief until the menses days passed.

With only the Books on hand and no access to medical care, I just let that time of the month hit me because I was “never good with practitioners” (see: self shaming and loathing and no sight of a better way out when the “best” wasn’t working).

When I finally returned home for summer, I explained to my mother how repeatedly awful I was feeling, and I asked her to help me get medical care.

With her steely gaze and pursed lips she simply bestowed me with, “I’m disappointed you’re not being more spiritual.” And left me at that.

But when does she teach you to masturbate?

Armed with my own echoing and aching thoughts, and a house to myself on a particularly painful day, it finally clicked: If my body was going to give me pain, I was going to make it give me pleasure.

The cure for my pain was the massive orgasm I gave myself that rendered me lucid, not hurting, for the first time that day.

My mother’s gaslighting pushed me to discover self pleasure as a form of self medication.

Please rest assured I now have access to healthcare, plenty of therapy, and a supportive community. Cheers.